February 2006-
Day one: hopeful. I see a break in the fog that has consumed me for so long. There have been so many seasons, lacking of sunshine. It has not fallen on my world or my mind in months. Long days that overlap into one muffled voice where I can not even hear my own. Occasional moments of hope that last only for moments in my world of overcrowded streets where I am only a ghost even unto myself. Fragments of thought drifting through cotton webs that are trapped in my mind. Then there was hope. I dragged myself out of my bed of comfortable silence and in to the sterile domain of white coats and clipboards. Clipboards and yellow paper that held my emotional state in words of organized symptoms and possible cures. I put my life in this mans hands, took my walls down and asked for hope to cure this horrible daze that I have been in for so long. The remedy was easily accessible and came neatly packaged as it had before.
Fourteen years of this. Seasons would come and go, and when they left, I felt elated. The snow would melt and I would bloom as the daffodils and tulips did every year. Sunshine would fill the world around me and my mind as well. Then the leaves would fall, and I would tell myself that I was fine, that this year would be different. I would pass this season, the sun may go down around me, but it would remain in my mind. The clouds of depression would not fill my world. Not this year. But to no avail. My fears always surfaced, just as the snow always fell in January. The bitterness of my depression and the biting cold of winter. Two friends reunited in bittersweet harmony.
January 2007-
Days are too long and too cold. Life seems the same sometimes and I am left to just sit here and watch as the world goes on by, by itself without me. Yesterday was too short by the time I realized it was gone. Today, despite the half-dead state I have been in, has been eternal in its madness. Time is playing tricks on me. This life is surreal and the sounds of every day life have become like a scouring pad, scrubbing at the base of my brain all day. Sleep is the only peace that I have. Even the birds have lost their tune. The sky has gone from blue to gray and the trees weep in the naked cold. I can’t get out of this. I am sentenced to this prison for eternity it seems. Nothing I do matters. Nothing I say makes any difference to anyone. There is no one to call. No one to visit and no one to share this pain with. I just need someone to see me. Someone to feel me. Someone to hear what I am saying and hear what lies in between. That is where I am, in between. In life I am left to walk in between where normal people walk. This is a place where I am forgotten. Where I am invisible and left to my own devises. I can’t even hear their voices anymore. I don’t know what they sound like what they look like what it means to be one of them. I am lonely and scared and I tremble to hold back the tears that are becoming too strong for me once again. Nothing works. No one cares. No one even knows I am here.
December 2008-
The webs of depression have been cleared. The shadows of yesterday’s confusion seem but a distant fragmented memory. The sun has risen, the clouds have cleared. The flowers are now ever-blooming. I hear the birds sing their tune, as if it came directly from my own heart. Joy has surfaced. Life has revealed itself as a something to behold. As a song is to be sung, so is life meant to be lived. My heart is open, my mind is clear. Like a serene blue lake, crystal-clear like glass. The waves have crested, drawn back, and settled; revealing the depth that lies beneath. The beauty, the deep and abiding beauty. Seen by eyes that have been cleared by the hand of God himself. His love has lifted me above the waves. His grace has showered over me. His living waters have cleansed me. He has given me a new song to sing. A new heart to feel. New eyes to see. Keep me Oh, Lord. Keep me in your loving arms. Keep my eyes clear, my mind at peace. Show me the way through this season that once contained only darkness. Shine your light on every moment. Darkness can only exist without light, and where there is God, there is light.
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